Deck the Halls (Or, Mopping the Floor With Well-Wishers)

Ah, it’s that time of year again. Crackling fires, snow forts, hot chocolate, and warm, wooly mittens. Makes you feel all happy inside, doesn’t it? Trees and wreaths. Stockings and santas. That’s great. Really. Have your happy holiday but, I swear, I’m not going to be decking the halls, I’m going to be decking the next person who indiscriminately says “Merry Christmas” or asks a child what santa is bringing her for Christmas.

Public service announcement #4

You celebrate Christmas. Good for you. That’s wonderful. Now take your fuzzy santa earmuffs off for just a second and listen. Not every family celebrates your holiday. Not every child writes letters to santa and gets toys from the north pole. So, please, stop saying “Merry Christmas” to people unless you know that they celebrate that particular winter holiday. And, for the love of the elves, please stop asking little kids what santa is bringing them unless you are completely, positively, and in all other ways certain that child is getting toys from santa. Capisce?

Creepy Strangers with Candy

I wrote a post about giving treats to kids without consulting the parents. It was a necessary message. I can’t believe I’m back talking about this issue again (with one tiny variation). The other post asked ever-so-nicely if people would please address the parent instead of the child with the question. Now I’m here to ask ever-so-nicely if you would stop giving treats to children AT ALL if you’re not going to ask ANYONE.

Public service announcement #3

Since you’re not even asking the child never mind the parent (who you should be asking), I can’t help but think that this gift-giving thing isn’t as much for my kid as it is for you. Shoving a treat at a child and saying, “Here you go!” is stupid and selfish. For some reason, you desperately need to do this thing and don’t care if A) the child wants it and B) the parent wants him to have it. Also, you are a stranger and this is a child. Unlike my last PSA, where I berated you mentioned that you should probably ask the parents before you give something to their kid, I’m now saying (and I can’t believe I have to say it) that if you’re not going to ask anyone, then just don’t do it.

Is this left over Halloween candy people want to get rid of?

I Told You So!

Misbehaving kid. Shocker. Knocking stuff all over the floor, parent not doing anything. Shocker. Finally an associate working at the store comes over to the kid and tells him to stop doing that. Please.

The parent actually says—are you ready for this? The parent says, “Thank you. Thank you SO much.” I think my mouth is hanging open at this point.

Okay so the mom is polite, I guess, thanking the store clerk and all but she is thanking him for disciplining her child. Something she has not been doing. She didn’t yell at the clerk, didn’t say anything rude, but… I’m not sure what to make of this exchange. She thanked a stranger for telling her child not to act like an ass. Apparently, this is something she is incapable of doing.

Another kid. Misbehaving. Knocking stuff all over the floor. Parent looks around and says in a sing-song voice “You’d better sto-op…” but doesn’t do anything.

Again. Associate comes over to the kid and tells her to stop.

This time, the parent says “See? I told you you were gonna get in trouble. You got in trouble.”

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is this a “Nah-ner-nah-ner-nah-nah!” from a parent to her child?

Yah, my mommy never says 'no' she just says 'I told you so'...

Hello? I'm Standing Right Here!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a store or the bank or, I am not kidding, in my front yard and a clerk, bank teller, or creep in a car offers my child a piece of candy. They ask my child if he wants this candy. Let’s forget the car creep for now and focus on the nice folks in the reputable stores and banks. I don’t think they’re trying to poison my kid but they are being rude. I will repeat this. If you ask a child, not the parent standing right next to him, if he wants some candy, you are being rude. Also, you are not taking into account that this child might have an allergy or be in some other way unable to eat the candy. So, really, you are being double rude. Or whatever.

Public service announcement #2

It’s so sweet that you want to give my kid a treat. But when you ask a child if he wants a piece of candy, he’ll probably say yes. If you ask the parent…oh, didn’t think of that? Let me help you. If you ask the parent if you can give her child a piece of candy, you may not hear a yes. You might very well hear a no. You may not be given an explanation. Or you may be overloaded with information about her child’s allergies or sensory disorder or the fact that the kid just puked in the car and the last thing he needs is a sugary sweet, thank you very much. Whatever the reason, whatever the answer, ASK THE PARENT FIRST! Thank you kindly.

Nasty Nicknames

I have seen people do some stupid things in my life. I have seen parents act like idiots. But this one... Well it has me writing another "What Were You Thinking?" post. (BTW, it also qualifies as one of my "What is Pissing Me Off Today" posts.)

Apparently, my son’s soccer coach has decided to give all the kids on the team nicknames. Thing is, my son, and the rest of the team, know all these names now. Actually, the whole town probably does since this guy’s voice carries over about five fields. Not kidding. He is LOUD. So, you gotta be careful what you call these kids. You know, put a brain cell or two into it before you just shout it out.

So, coaching a team of 3^rd and 4^th graders, he decides to give the kids nicknames. That’s fine. Maybe he has trouble remembering names. Maybe he thinks it’s cute. Whatever.

At dinner tonight, my son told us one of the nicknames. I nearly dropped my fork. My husband looked wide-eyed. I am absolutely serious when I say this brainless coach called the only Mexican kid on the team “Senor Taco”. And, when the kid covered his ears and yelled at the coach “DON'T CALL ME THAT!”, Mr. Moron (which is my new nickame for the coach) did stop. Then started calling him "Taco". Way to go, moron. The rest of the kids thought it was so frickin’ funny, they started calling the kid “Senor Taco” as well. Finally, when the kid really got upset and told them “DON’T CALL ME THAT ANYMORE!”, they started calling him “Senor Burrito” instead. Awesome.

This kid goes to their school. He is on their bus. He is in some of their classes. The other nicknames Mr. Moron doled out have already made it to the bus and playground but since they are mostly just variations of their names, no harm done. I wonder what the hell is going to happen on Monday.

Rock on, Mr. Moron. Giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you are not a racist bastard and you are simply an idiot, I will say this: I hope your son never has to deal with what this kid is now dealing with. This kid, who you have ridiculed and mocked, will suffer for your sheer stupidity. And make no mistake about it—it is your fault. The children are calling him names but you, Mr. Moron, a grown man, started it. What the hell were you thinking?