Deck the Halls (Or, Mopping the Floor With Well-Wishers)

Ah, it’s that time of year again. Crackling fires, snow forts, hot chocolate, and warm, wooly mittens. Makes you feel all happy inside, doesn’t it? Trees and wreaths. Stockings and santas. That’s great. Really. Have your happy holiday but, I swear, I’m not going to be decking the halls, I’m going to be decking the next person who indiscriminately says “Merry Christmas” or asks a child what santa is bringing her for Christmas.

Public service announcement #4

You celebrate Christmas. Good for you. That’s wonderful. Now take your fuzzy santa earmuffs off for just a second and listen. Not every family celebrates your holiday. Not every child writes letters to santa and gets toys from the north pole. So, please, stop saying “Merry Christmas” to people unless you know that they celebrate that particular winter holiday. And, for the love of the elves, please stop asking little kids what santa is bringing them unless you are completely, positively, and in all other ways certain that child is getting toys from santa. Capisce?

All Unattended Children Will Receive...

Maybe I have a strange sense of humor. Maybe I can't stand when parents let their kids run amok. Or maybe I'm someone who would put this up if I owned a candy store. Or, really, any business for that matter.

This is, by far, the very best sign I have ever seen in a candy shop--where kids (and parents) are very likely to be. You know what? I don't own a business but I do have a house. I love this and I want one for my home. I really do.

"All Unattended Children Will Receive A Cup Of Espresso And A Free Puppy"

Creepy Strangers with Candy

I wrote a post about giving treats to kids without consulting the parents. It was a necessary message. I can’t believe I’m back talking about this issue again (with one tiny variation). The other post asked ever-so-nicely if people would please address the parent instead of the child with the question. Now I’m here to ask ever-so-nicely if you would stop giving treats to children AT ALL if you’re not going to ask ANYONE.

Public service announcement #3

Since you’re not even asking the child never mind the parent (who you should be asking), I can’t help but think that this gift-giving thing isn’t as much for my kid as it is for you. Shoving a treat at a child and saying, “Here you go!” is stupid and selfish. For some reason, you desperately need to do this thing and don’t care if A) the child wants it and B) the parent wants him to have it. Also, you are a stranger and this is a child. Unlike my last PSA, where I berated you mentioned that you should probably ask the parents before you give something to their kid, I’m now saying (and I can’t believe I have to say it) that if you’re not going to ask anyone, then just don’t do it.

Is this left over Halloween candy people want to get rid of?

Hello? I'm Standing Right Here!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at a store or the bank or, I am not kidding, in my front yard and a clerk, bank teller, or creep in a car offers my child a piece of candy. They ask my child if he wants this candy. Let’s forget the car creep for now and focus on the nice folks in the reputable stores and banks. I don’t think they’re trying to poison my kid but they are being rude. I will repeat this. If you ask a child, not the parent standing right next to him, if he wants some candy, you are being rude. Also, you are not taking into account that this child might have an allergy or be in some other way unable to eat the candy. So, really, you are being double rude. Or whatever.

Public service announcement #2

It’s so sweet that you want to give my kid a treat. But when you ask a child if he wants a piece of candy, he’ll probably say yes. If you ask the parent…oh, didn’t think of that? Let me help you. If you ask the parent if you can give her child a piece of candy, you may not hear a yes. You might very well hear a no. You may not be given an explanation. Or you may be overloaded with information about her child’s allergies or sensory disorder or the fact that the kid just puked in the car and the last thing he needs is a sugary sweet, thank you very much. Whatever the reason, whatever the answer, ASK THE PARENT FIRST! Thank you kindly.

Shower, Shit, Shave, & Shine?

There’s something extremely insulting about being asked if you've showered. It is particularly offensive to moms because we probably haven’t. We give up a lot. We make hard choices: I have ten minutes. Should I go to the bathroom, eat, or shower? Most of the time, even if we throw in another, less vital, option like playing Angry Birds or browsing Pinterest, showering comes in dead last.

Public service announcement #1

It is comforting that you understand how stressed-out, freaked-out, and put-out moms are. It’s ever so sweet that you are offering to watch the kids so we can take a shower. But, please, don’t ask us if we’ve showered—even if we smell. Offer to watch the kids for “whatever we need” and then we will tell you that we are dying to scrub the four-day scum off. If we’re lucky, we can even shave our legs or braid the hair and put pretty ribbons in it. Either way, let us bring up the necessity of bathing. I know it doesn’t sound much less mortifying, but, trust me, it is.