Deck the Halls (Or, Mopping the Floor With Well-Wishers)

Ah, it’s that time of year again. Crackling fires, snow forts, hot chocolate, and warm, wooly mittens. Makes you feel all happy inside, doesn’t it? Trees and wreaths. Stockings and santas. That’s great. Really. Have your happy holiday but, I swear, I’m not going to be decking the halls, I’m going to be decking the next person who indiscriminately says “Merry Christmas” or asks a child what santa is bringing her for Christmas.

Public service announcement #4

You celebrate Christmas. Good for you. That’s wonderful. Now take your fuzzy santa earmuffs off for just a second and listen. Not every family celebrates your holiday. Not every child writes letters to santa and gets toys from the north pole. So, please, stop saying “Merry Christmas” to people unless you know that they celebrate that particular winter holiday. And, for the love of the elves, please stop asking little kids what santa is bringing them unless you are completely, positively, and in all other ways certain that child is getting toys from santa. Capisce?

All Unattended Children Will Receive...

Maybe I have a strange sense of humor. Maybe I can't stand when parents let their kids run amok. Or maybe I'm someone who would put this up if I owned a candy store. Or, really, any business for that matter.

This is, by far, the very best sign I have ever seen in a candy shop--where kids (and parents) are very likely to be. You know what? I don't own a business but I do have a house. I love this and I want one for my home. I really do.

"All Unattended Children Will Receive A Cup Of Espresso And A Free Puppy"

Potty Humor and the Peloponnesian war

 Conversations with my 7-year-old.

“Can I read Big Nate?”

“No,” my husband responds. 

“Why? Because it’s inappropriate?”

“Yes, because it’s inappropriate. And I’ve told you this before.”

“I know but I thought you might have changed your mind since then,” he says.

“Changed my mind since last week?” My husband smirks. “No, I haven’t changed my mind. Just because you're able to read a book for older kids doesn't mean the content is something we want you reading."

My little one sighs and looks at my husband. “It’s not like I’m reading about the Peloponnesian War.”

No. It's definitely not like that. 

 

Just for the record, I did NOT teach my 7-year-old anything about the Peloponnesian War. 

Thanksgiving - "It's a yam sham."

I stopped celebrating Thanksgiving when I was fifteen.

I grudgingly ate the food on the table. I gave an attitude toward the turkey—stabbing it with my fork like it was fully responsible for my anger toward this day. I had learned about real deal about Thanksgiving only a few years before—the settlers (pilgrims), the natives, all of it. And it wasn’t a Charlie Brown special, that’s for damn sure.

Also, there was no “First Thanksgiving”. Well, there was a “first” but it wasn’t in the 1600s. If you traveled back in time and wished a pilgrim a Happy Thanksgiving, they’d have no idea what you were talking about. It was a harvest festival. One that was only successful due to the fact that the natives had helped the pilgrims learn how to grow and gather food. And because, when the natives arrived, they hunted deer to help feed everyone. Whatever. President Lincoln, who I’m pretty sure wasn’t at this festival, declared this autumnal harvest an official national holiday in 1863, a good two centuries after the first harvest. It’s a nice idea and all, Lincoln, but it’s just something that hit me when I was a girl and has never really gone away.

I remember my mother rolling her eyes and my father scoffing, but I also remember that, every year after that, my father made up a plate and set a place for Massasoit. It made me less moody and I was grateful. I don’t remember if I let him know at the time but I was.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Episode: Pangs) 1999

Willow:  Buffy, earlier you agreed with me about Thanksgiving. It's a sham. It's all about death.
Buffy:  It *is* a sham. But it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
Willow: You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Creepy Strangers with Candy

I wrote a post about giving treats to kids without consulting the parents. It was a necessary message. I can’t believe I’m back talking about this issue again (with one tiny variation). The other post asked ever-so-nicely if people would please address the parent instead of the child with the question. Now I’m here to ask ever-so-nicely if you would stop giving treats to children AT ALL if you’re not going to ask ANYONE.

Public service announcement #3

Since you’re not even asking the child never mind the parent (who you should be asking), I can’t help but think that this gift-giving thing isn’t as much for my kid as it is for you. Shoving a treat at a child and saying, “Here you go!” is stupid and selfish. For some reason, you desperately need to do this thing and don’t care if A) the child wants it and B) the parent wants him to have it. Also, you are a stranger and this is a child. Unlike my last PSA, where I berated you mentioned that you should probably ask the parents before you give something to their kid, I’m now saying (and I can’t believe I have to say it) that if you’re not going to ask anyone, then just don’t do it.

Is this left over Halloween candy people want to get rid of?