Don't Ask, Do Tell

Please, I beg of you, stop asking your kids what they want.

For instance, if you're, say, oh I don’t know, calling your dad on Father's Day, don't hold the phone up to your child's head and ask, "Do you want to say 'Happy Father's Day' to Grandpa?" A lot of the time, you're going to hear a "No." 

This wasn’t really a question, so don’t ask it. You're setting yourself up for a battle:
“But I don’t want to say it.”
“But you should say it.”
“But I don’t want to.”
“Well, you have to.”
“Nooo…”
“Alright, this is the last time…you have to—oh, sorry, Dad, hold on, he’s just being—stop crying and say ‘Happy Father’s Day’!”

Or 

"Honey, do you want peanut butter and jelly for lunch?"

"No"

Pause. "Well, that's all we have."

See where this is going?

I know all the parenting magazines tell you to "empower your children" and "let them be part of the decision making" and blah blah but, bloody hell, if you already know what answer you want, don't ask the question.

How to Plan Your Child’s Birthday Party When Your Pet is Dying

What do you do when it's your child's birthday and you are at the veterinarian’s office and emergency room every other day with your pet who is dying?

Here. Let me "help" you: 

“5 Tips to Plan a Party While Your Pet is Dying”

1. Keep your chin up!
Plaster a smile on your face and keep it there! Don’t let anyone (especially the children!) see you with anything less than a super shiny smile.

2. Find a private place to let those little feelings out!
If you feel the need to cry, politely excuse yourself from the festivities and cry quietly (silently, if possible) in a bathroom far away from your guests. Don’t forget to keep that door closed!

3. Keep that makeup handy!
Should you need tip number 2, don’t forget the important step of reapplying the foundation around your eyes! And, please, make sure you reapply a little to your cheeks, as well--people always seem to forget that. (This goes without saying, but it’s best to stay away from mascara altogether. Am I right, gals?!)

4. Procrastinate and stay up late!
If you put off wrapping, decorating, planning the menu, and ordering the cake because you’re so distraught about your beloved pet, you’ll be forced to stay up really late to wrap gifts, set up, cook, and send emails. The next day, you’ll be so tired, you probably won’t have the energy to worry OR cry! Killing two birds with one stone! (Maybe that’s a bad analogy, considering.) So, anyhoo, you can go ahead and ignore tips number 1 and 2. Way to go, you!

5. Plan a party at home!
While I don't advocate breaking promises (especially to children!), I have to give a little here. Since you must be there every second to help your sweet pet and make sure they eat, you can’t very well take your child to the amusement park, zoo, or aquarium all day like you promised now can you? Well…resolve to do that fun, fun, FUN day another time and plan a lovely party right at home so you can see your beautiful child blow out the candles AND watch your pet suffer! Another 2 for 1 deal! How splendid!

Sometimes "6 ways to..." and "10 tips to..." should stay hidden on a computer. Sometimes tips and tricks and perky, positive attitudes aren't what people need. We need to be angry, sad, and overwhelmed. We need to be allowed to do that without feeling like we've failed in some way. And so I will say this:

Sometimes life sucks.

We're Not All Martha Stewarts

When I was pregnant, my dear friend gave me two pieces of advice:

“Develop your 'Mommy Glare'” and 'Do not read parenting magazines”.

I listened to her. Mostly. I have the glare down but I couldn’t help but peek at a few magazines along my 7-year journey of motherhood. Some of them are simply loaded with crap that make mothers feel inadequate.

I’m wondering if the drug companies have stock in these parenting magazines because after all the ladybug cupcakes that wound up looking like warty toads, the ocean themed birthday parties that looked more like a haunted swamp, the play-dates that imploded, and the dust bunnies that are now dust elephants, we begin to think there is something wrong with us and wind up on an anti-depressant.

“Why don’t these frickin' cookies look like the picture?!” is a serious explosion, not to be taken lightly, for a woman caught up in the idiotic ideals of what a mom should be. You’d think, by now, we’d know better but these magazines sell millions of copies. Millions. Their subtitle should be “Driving Moms to Meds Since 1984”. Or something.

We're not all DIY-ers. We're not all able to "whip up" a gourmet dinner for our family in 20 minutes. We're not all super moms with mad multi-tasking skills. We're just not. And that is just fine.

Thanks to all the amazing parenting mags (online and in print) that have sprung up over the years to help so many moms feel less alone, more "normal", and care less about the pink troll cake they made for their daughter's princess-themed third birthday party. Rock on.